The secret of the best engineering manager I know

Givers: the hidden high performers

Aug 20, 2024

The absolutely best engineering manager I know (let’s call him Robin) is spending most of his time helping people from outside his team.

And yet, he is the most productive among us, solves complex challenges the fastest, and finds time to take care of his team too. Turns out, there is a whole typecast of such people, called by Adam Grant ‘Givers’.

Today I’ll cover:

Who are the givers
The surprising reality about givers’ performance
The dangers of over-giving
Is it possible to change your style?

Based on my last year’s article in Tech Books : “Being fair is not the best way to succeed”.

So who are the givers

In ‘Give and Take’, Grant divides our working style into 3 categories:

Takers – people who focus on themselves. They will exploit others and always drive a hard bargain.
When you ask for help from a taker, they’ll probably say they don’t know or don’t have time to help.
Matchers – people who will gladly help you, if they know you will help them in the future or helped them in the past. They believe in fairness.
If you ask for help, a matcher will throw a couple of suggestions and then gently send you to someone else (unless they owe you big time).
Givers – people who give unconditionally, and who will spend hours helping you without expecting anything back. They don’t care about fairness, only about helping those around them.
A giver will make your problem - their problem. They’ll help you investigate, try things together, and make you feel you are not alone.

The surprising reality

Try to guess - which type are the lowest performers at workplaces?

Yep, the Givers. A study of more than 600 medical students showed that givers got the lowest grades. It makes sense: if you spend all your time helping others, you’ll be left with little for yourself.

Here comes the interesting part. Which type are the highest achievers, the top percentile of people in all industries?

The givers again!

This pattern holds up across the board, the top performers were givers, who averaged 50 percent more annual revenue than the takers and matchers.
It was only at the start that givers underperformed. They increased their scores each year and by the sixth year, the givers earned substantially higher grades than their peers. When the givers became doctors, they climbed still further ahead.

When you think about it, it’s not that surprising:

Robin is always involved in the most complex problems, as he is the last resort. That means that he constantly gets to learn new things! Through years of giving, he built an amazing intuition, letting him solve problems VERY fast, and be an even more effective giver.
When he (rarely) needs some help, people will stand in line to help him.
Being a giver makes you visible - people talk about you with their managers, and everyone in the organization knows you. This helps a lot in pushing your agenda and getting promoted.

The dangers of over-giving

Not all is shiny in Giverland. Givers are not only the best performers, but also the worst ones. That’s because of the Over-givers - who prioritize others and neglect their own needs.

Signs of an over-giver:

When giving drains your energy: if your giving consistently leaves you feeling exhausted - that’s a red flag.
When others take advantage of your giving: some people will exploit you, expecting you to do their work for them. Developers who don’t do any work on their side before requesting you to solve the problem.
When people become dependent on your giving: even if they don’t intentionally exploit you, they might get used to you solving all their problems. This is especially dangerous for managers - sometimes you have to force yourself to step back and let people solve their own shit.

The most effective givers, see it as a choice, not a compulsion. They don’t try to please everyone, and know when to say ‘No.’

Robin is often late to meetings, as he is stuck helping some. I once complained to him about that, mentioning the harm it is doing (as he is critical in most meetings). His reply was:

“Yeah, I know it’s not ideal. But sometimes those extra 2 minutes can save someone hours, and I feel it’s worth it. When it’s critical, I’m on time”.

Can you change your own style?

I’m a matcher. It’s hard for me to help someone at the expense of accomplishing my own tasks.

I felt that trying to change my behavior was fake. It’s a paradox: if you give when you don’t want to, it loses sincerity.

Grant believes it’s ok, and will lead to two positive outcomes:

Any form of giving, no matter the motive, has a positive impact.
By doing generous actions, there's a shift in mindset towards becoming more altruistic. Our mind will seek consistency between our actions and self-perception, leading to a cycle of giving.

Since reading the book, I have tried to be a Giver as often as I can. Can’t say I’m a different person, as I still value fairness a lot, but it’s a start :)